I talk to the TV, but it doesn’t listen to me.*

So yeah, I haven’t posted in, oh, a couple of months. You’d think that my return to blogland would be marked by a long informational post on married life in Baton Rouge, etc., but not so much.

Anyone who has ever watched TV with me knows that I’m a hard-core TV talker. Especially during commercials. I hate commercials so vigorously that I generally have to mute them to keep from flinging the nearest throw pillow at the TV. Since moving to Baton Rouge, I’ve enjoyed the temporary status of unemployed hausfrau exceedingly, especially when it comes to logging TV hours. Lots of true crime (Cold Case Files, Forensic Files, basically anything with a file in it), a million reruns of all of the incarnations of Law and Order, 3:00 time with Dr. Phil (DON’T JUDGE ME**), and the evening favorites of ANTM, The Office, Little Britain USA, and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (those last two are great for the bizarre in you). And of course Maury, if only to make Pru jealous.

But whilst watching these hours of TV, I of course am exposed to hundreds of entirely SHIT commercials. There are very few that I find at all amusing, and so many that I hate venomously. I offer today a few of the latter. Unfortunately, embedding is not working right now, so you’ll have to click the links.

1. That Skittles Commercial Where Everything the Poor Bastard Touches Turns to Skittles

(this is the extended version, seldom aired, probably because it’s SO FUCKING DEPRESSING)

I mean, CHRIST. This poor man! And his asshole coworkers think it’s the most amusing thing. I don’t know how the fine people of Mars, Incorporated though this would sell Skittles. Every time I watch it I get enraged at his coworkers and just want to give the poor man a hug. Which, of course, I can’t do or I’d turn into SKITTLES.

2. The “Why Would I Order a Dominos Oven-Baked Sandwich? I Love Sub-Mart!” Dipshit

(ignore the message from the pizza delivery person at the beginning and end)

This commercial airs about 74,926,821,232,906 times a day in my viewing area. So many things about it bother me. First: why in the hell does the sandwich delivery guy knock on the door? Who knocks on the door of a restaurant? Second: the looks on the faces of the sandwich orderers’ coworkers. No one looks like that, come on. Third: you won’t admit you ordered a sandwich from a competitor? Fucking grow a pair. I hope a dog pisses on your sandwich while it’s waiting for you by the side of the building.

3. The Brooke Shields Volkswagen Routan Baby Boom Ads

These really bother me, perhaps only because I know a bit about Brooke Shields’ past. I know that she struggled for years to get and stay pregnant. I know that she suffered severely debilitating postpartum depression. This woman understands the value and the magnitude of pregnancy in a woman’s life, and she made these weird commercials. They’re tacky, and I don’t understand how VW thought they would sell cars.

4. Louisiana Political Ads

Now, all of my life (up until this year) I have lived in states that are usually classified as swing states, but tend to lean Democrat. Now I live in a strongly Republican state, and I watch ads like the one above. The ads assume that everyone in Louisiana is a Republican, has good ol’ Republican values, and is disgusted by Barack Obama. The first time I saw this ad I almost laughed. It was like John Kennedy (nice name for a Republican, eh?) was telling me exactly who to vote for by giving me Mary Landrieu’s voting record. Thanks, John!

———-

And now, as a palate-cleanser, my current favorite ads on TV — the Coach Jim Mora Coors ads:

“Don’t talk about playoffs!”

“Shirts with random triangles”

God, it makes me laugh out loud every time.

———-

Now: your turn. What are your favorite and least favorite ads on TV?

———-

*If you can name that obscure musical reference, I’ll send you your very own bottle of Bacon Salt (um, best invention EVER).

**Found out last summer that my father — my father — upon retirement had started watching Dr. Phil. This was incredibly surreal to me. Granted, Dad has always liked wacky non sequiturs like “”No dog ever peed on a moving car,” but it was still an odd thing for me to hear.