Molly’s Favorite Things – Part 3

More wonderful things that I want to tell the world about!

I still love my former favorite things — here (the second part is on my old pwp blog that is now expired), but these are recent world-rockers.

-L’Oreal Vive Pro Hydra Gloss Shampoo for Very Dry/Damaged Hair – For some reason, my hair gets dry dry dry and shampoo really makes all the difference. This stuff is goooood. Thick, lather-y, and moisturizing. And smells kind of coconut-y and delicious.

-Tide and Downy Simple Pleasures – Vanilla and Lavender Scent – LOVE this stuff. This scent has become so closely associated with me that I once washed some socks that a friend left at my place, and when I gave them back to her she said, “Mmmm! Smells like Molly!” It’s a bit pricey, but a bottle lasts a long time and a box of dryer sheets lasts even longer.

-Antiques Roadshow -My long-time favorite show. Everything about it makes me smile, even the semi-creepy ambiguously gay Keno twins.

-Becca Luminous Skin Color Tinted Moisturizer in Porcelain - This is my special indulgence. It’s ridiculously expensive, but it is divine — light, sheer, moisturizing coverage with SPF 20. It was recommended by the makeup artist who gave me a makeover at PREP Cosmetics in Madison (AKA Heaven), and I love it. I forked over the $42, and I’ve been enjoying my skin ever since. And yes, Porcelain is the lightest color it comes in.

-Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Soap – I don’t really understand this soap (how does a whole bunch of different oils plus some citric acid, natural scents, and vitamin E make any lather?), but I love it all the same. The bottle is weird as hell, what with all of the ALL-ONE and ONLY USE TWO COSMETICS DAILY, but it’s great stuff. I use the Almond scent, and it’s amazing. It’s got a zillion uses (shaving, shampooing, doing dishes, washing pets, cleaning fruits and vegetables, brushing your teeth (they recommend peppermint for that)), and it’s organic and natural enough to use in a lake. One small bottle lasts and lasts.

-The Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon – Here’s the thing. I am a total literature snob. I was an English Lit major in college, I love to read the classics, I eschew anything overpopular or badly-written. Yet, I adore these books. Time-traveling WWII era nurse mysteriously lands in 18th century Scotland and meets strapping 6′4″ red-haired kilt-wearing Scotsman, plus lots of hot sex? YES PLEASE.

-My Niece – She just turned one, and gets cuter every second.

Now! Give me YOURS.

I talk to the TV, but it doesn’t listen to me.*

So yeah, I haven’t posted in, oh, a couple of months. You’d think that my return to blogland would be marked by a long informational post on married life in Baton Rouge, etc., but not so much.

Anyone who has ever watched TV with me knows that I’m a hard-core TV talker. Especially during commercials. I hate commercials so vigorously that I generally have to mute them to keep from flinging the nearest throw pillow at the TV. Since moving to Baton Rouge, I’ve enjoyed the temporary status of unemployed hausfrau exceedingly, especially when it comes to logging TV hours. Lots of true crime (Cold Case Files, Forensic Files, basically anything with a file in it), a million reruns of all of the incarnations of Law and Order, 3:00 time with Dr. Phil (DON’T JUDGE ME**), and the evening favorites of ANTM, The Office, Little Britain USA, and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (those last two are great for the bizarre in you). And of course Maury, if only to make Pru jealous.

But whilst watching these hours of TV, I of course am exposed to hundreds of entirely SHIT commercials. There are very few that I find at all amusing, and so many that I hate venomously. I offer today a few of the latter. Unfortunately, embedding is not working right now, so you’ll have to click the links.

1. That Skittles Commercial Where Everything the Poor Bastard Touches Turns to Skittles

(this is the extended version, seldom aired, probably because it’s SO FUCKING DEPRESSING)

I mean, CHRIST. This poor man! And his asshole coworkers think it’s the most amusing thing. I don’t know how the fine people of Mars, Incorporated though this would sell Skittles. Every time I watch it I get enraged at his coworkers and just want to give the poor man a hug. Which, of course, I can’t do or I’d turn into SKITTLES.

2. The “Why Would I Order a Dominos Oven-Baked Sandwich? I Love Sub-Mart!” Dipshit

(ignore the message from the pizza delivery person at the beginning and end)

This commercial airs about 74,926,821,232,906 times a day in my viewing area. So many things about it bother me. First: why in the hell does the sandwich delivery guy knock on the door? Who knocks on the door of a restaurant? Second: the looks on the faces of the sandwich orderers’ coworkers. No one looks like that, come on. Third: you won’t admit you ordered a sandwich from a competitor? Fucking grow a pair. I hope a dog pisses on your sandwich while it’s waiting for you by the side of the building.

3. The Brooke Shields Volkswagen Routan Baby Boom Ads

These really bother me, perhaps only because I know a bit about Brooke Shields’ past. I know that she struggled for years to get and stay pregnant. I know that she suffered severely debilitating postpartum depression. This woman understands the value and the magnitude of pregnancy in a woman’s life, and she made these weird commercials. They’re tacky, and I don’t understand how VW thought they would sell cars.

4. Louisiana Political Ads

Now, all of my life (up until this year) I have lived in states that are usually classified as swing states, but tend to lean Democrat. Now I live in a strongly Republican state, and I watch ads like the one above. The ads assume that everyone in Louisiana is a Republican, has good ol’ Republican values, and is disgusted by Barack Obama. The first time I saw this ad I almost laughed. It was like John Kennedy (nice name for a Republican, eh?) was telling me exactly who to vote for by giving me Mary Landrieu’s voting record. Thanks, John!

———-

And now, as a palate-cleanser, my current favorite ads on TV — the Coach Jim Mora Coors ads:

“Don’t talk about playoffs!”

“Shirts with random triangles”

God, it makes me laugh out loud every time.

———-

Now: your turn. What are your favorite and least favorite ads on TV?

———-

*If you can name that obscure musical reference, I’ll send you your very own bottle of Bacon Salt (um, best invention EVER).

**Found out last summer that my father — my father — upon retirement had started watching Dr. Phil. This was incredibly surreal to me. Granted, Dad has always liked wacky non sequiturs like “”No dog ever peed on a moving car,” but it was still an odd thing for me to hear.

The very short version

-Moved all belongings into UHaul

-Moved into a hotel

-Got married!  Yayy!

-Drove car (with cats) and UHaul to Cedar Rapids to stay with husband’s parents

-Drove car (with cats) and UHaul to Kansas City, MO to stay with husband’s brother and sister-in-law

-Drove car (with cats) and UHaul to Little Rock, AR to stay in motel

-Drove car (with cats) and UHaul to Baton Rouge, LA

-Moved into apartment in Baton Rouge, LA

-Started job hunting, outfitted apartment, perfected jambalaya

-Finally got internet and cable installed after 2 no-show appointments

-Wait, what was that?  There’s a hurricane headed this way?

-Watched the weather channel obsessively

-Neighbor arrived at door.  “You guys might want to come take a look at your rear windshield.”

-Golf ball has destroyed rear windshield of car we purchased a month prior.  So much for living next to a golf course.  Cardboarded and garbage-bagged and taped to the best of our ability.

-Hurricane hit.  Hard.  The worst hurricane to hit Baton Rouge since Hurricane Betsy of 1965.

-100% power outage in Baton Rouge.  Flooding.  Trees down all over.

-2 days later.  Still no power.  85 degrees in apartment.  Eating cold baked beans from can.

-Forget this shit.  We’re packing up the cats and driving to Austin!

-Currently: spending a few beautiful days in Austin with pal from grad school.  10% of power currently restored in Baton Rouge.  50% of power should be restored by Sunday.  We are headed back to Baton Rouge Friday to have rear windshield replaced Saturday.  Who knows whether our apartment will have power by then.

-In short: things have been . . . busy lately.

Turns out I’m severely lactose intolerant; or, a haiku on Lactaid

you slip down my throat

small and white like edelweiss

intestines rejoice

This one’s a keeper

How do I know?

New Fella knew that I’d experienced infertility during marriage #1.  Entirely on his own, with no suggestion whatsoever from me, he decided that he should probably get a semen analysis, just in case.  He picked up the cup and submitted the sample all of his own volition, mentioning it to me along the way.

*SWOON*

(The results?  Excellent.)

The news according to spam in my work inbox

Boy pokes fork into sister’s eye

Britney Spears quits singing career

Demi Moore’s baby suffers lung infection

Fast food causes men to shrink

Female gangs found robbing guys

Horse breaks riders skull in freak attack

JFK memoirs reveal illegitimate son

Jerry Seinfeld announces Seinfeld movie

Meg Ryan drops top at awards ceremony

Two-headed baby born in Texas

Tiger Woods Will Call Next Son Monkey

Yikes.

So this weekend I was at my parents’ cabin, along with 8 friends. We had a blast – beautiful weather, great food courtesy of my mom, swimming in the lake, watching fireworks, drinking Shandy and soaking up the sun. A lovely weekend, much of which was spent wearing as little clothing as possible.

And then the pics went up on Facebook, and my jaw dropped.

My ass really looks like that? Really?

Now, I will preface the following thus:

I’ve always been a slim person (I know, total bitch) – mostly due to genetics and, more recently, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (good fun!). I’m 5’3”, and throughout high school and college I hovered near the entrance to the triple-digits. I was one of those people who ate and ate and ate and never gained an ounce. Metabolism sky-high! Size zero always on clearance! Why yes, I’ll have four more brownies, thanks for asking!

As of recently, things have changed. The changes began when I started my first job after college and suddenly I sat the entire day in a foam-rubber computer chair with occasional forays through the skyways of Minneapolis to retrieve frozen yogurts. I couldn’t figure out why my stomach hurt all the time, and why I always felt bloated. If I had owned a scale, I would have understood that I was in pain because my *clothes didn’t fit.* After buying a larger (but still small) wardrobe, things improved.

Weight kept slowly inching up while I was married, and then really rose after the separation and divorce (something my ex-husband pointed out when we saw each other lately, which is one of many, many reasons why the Best Divorce Ever™ has sadly, yet inevitably soured). Though I’m still firmly in the normal weight camp by BMI standards (though everyone knows what a crock they really are), I am larger than I’ve ever been and the ass, she is spreading.

Most of me is disgusted by the fact that I’m somewhat appalled at seeing these pictures of me. I am still of a healthy weight, I wear a size that many women wish they could wear, yet here I sit gaping at the voluptuous hip area I’ve gained over the past year. I, who have read the fat acceptance blogs, agree 100%, and have made it a personal goal not to treat people differently because of their size. I, who read this post and was once again re-horrified by the fact that if you’re not bone skinny in America, you’re considered fat (many thanks for introducing me to that blog, Oro). I, who am furious that the word “fat” is the first insult hurled at any woman who weighs more than a malnourished pre-teen. I know these things. And yet the thought that the size of my ass was horrifying stays in my mind.

So many of you have written so much more profoundly on the body image issues we all face. Right now you’re rolling your eyes and saying, “Yes, Molly. Women in the world today are held to ridiculous expectations. Hadn’t you noticed that over the past 28 and 11/12 years of your life?” I’m behind, I know (no pun intended).

So here I am, late to the party, and asking for your to have this conversation again.  I hope you’ll forgive me.

Molly Fashion Blogs the 2008 Tony Awards

And you thought I’d forgotten! No, here I am, once again fashion blogging an awards show.

I like the Tony Awards for a few reasons: they come during a real awards dry spell – June, when the award season for films and television is long since past – or not yet begun; they give us the opportunity to see other faces, and not just frickin’ overexposed Eva Longoria Parker and Anne Hathaway; these people, clearly, see themselves as artistes – not just pawns to their movie contractor – and they tend to, umm, dress as such.

But frankly, this year’s fashion was pretty bland. I can tell you how many dresses I looked at, simply to respond with a shrug and a “meh.”

However, there were a few sparkling gems. Let’s start with . . .

BEST DRESSED

1. Laura Benanti – She won the Tony for Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Musical for Gypsy, and she also won the best dress of the night. How cool is this beautiful, wine colored, shimmering delight? Understated design, gorgeous, flattering color. Perfect.

2. Idina Menzel – Well, the Fug Girls couldn’t decide, but I love this. I really do. The member of Broadway royalty is wearing two of my favorite colors – rich brown and moss green. The design of the dress is flattering, and I think the necklace thing really works – it adds a spark of color on a woman whose hair and eyes are similar to the color of the dress. (Doesn’t hurt that she got to bring some tasty arm candy as well.)

3. Mary McCormack – I’d only ever heard of this woman after seeing commercials for her new USA Network vehicle In Plain Sight while watching Law and Order marathons. Apparently, she’s a stage actress as well, having been nominated for Best Featured Actress in a Play for the revival of Boeing Boeing. But I really like this dress – beautiful colors, intricate beading work. The hair and makeup are understated and really let the dress stand out. Well done.

4. Marissa Tomei – There was a disappointing lack of drama in the clothing at this year’s ceremony – I really expected more from this dramatic bunch. However, Tomei pulled out at least a few of the stops and wore this beautiful red and black number – red and black can be over-the-top and bit Carmen-esque, but the black flowers on the dress keep it sunnier and less vampy.

WORST DRESSED

1. Leigh Ann Larkin – This young woman made her Broadway debut opposite Patti LuPone in Gypsy – not too shabby. But – notice I said “young woman?” Believe it or not, Larkin is only 28 years old and is already sporting the over-bleached mom hair. Compare that photo to her head shot. See what I mean? Perhaps it’s for the role, I don’t know. Top the overfried hair off with my least favorite adornment – the ridiculous, oversized bow, and this whole thing flops.

2. Kristen Chenoweth – GAH. The Eva Longoria Parker of Broadway. This woman shows up everywhere, for everything. You’d think that she’d honor her old stomping grounds with a dress that isn’t the most boring dress ever made, but you’d be wrong. And the hair just says local news anchor lady all over it. Zzzzz.

3. Kathryn Hahn – I really only remember this woman from her run in Crossing Jordan and a tiny part in Anchorman, but apparently she’s also in the cast of Boeing Boeing. And apparently, she hates her figure. I will only forgive her for this shapeless, over-frilled dress if she’s 8 months pregnant. Otherwise, no. Top-heavy. Odd.

4. Laura Bell Bundy – This 27-year-old sprite is playing the lead in Legally Blonde: The Musical on Broadway. I tell you what: this outfit should be illegal! (Ba dum ching) What is even going on here? Is that bodice . . . somehow speckled? With red leopard print? Is she really wearing blue jewelry with it? Or is it green? And what is with that purse? The only thing it matches is the non-matching jewelry she’s wearing. Just . . . no.

A few notes on the men:

Adam Duritz – As if he hadn’t proved already that he is actually Sideshow Bob with that hair, has decided to dress like him as well. Also, why is he even there?

Mandy Patinkin – OMG, what even HAPPENED to him?! He’s only 57! Shave it, gramps!

Rufus Sewell – Yummy yummy. He always appears slightly evil, but look at those eyes! Lunchtime.

You. What’s your take?

What does this say about me?

Just bought a pair of scary stomach-holding-in panties.

Am I officially old now?

Changing the world, one post at a time.

Here I sit, annoyed with having cleaned up all of my new feeds on Bloglines, wishing I had something to read. Then I thought to myself, “Self? You need to be the change you want to see in the world.” So here I am, posting. Gandhi would be so proud.

It’s . . . strange being out here in the unsecured internet once again. Somewhat like I imagine it would be to be caught in open, shark-infested waters with just one of those incredibly flimsy-looking mental cages between you and the chum-feasting hammerheads.* But I must remember the friendly porpoises, cheering my return to the sea.

And that belabored metaphor is ending . . . now.

So some of you are newcomers, thanks to Ms. Pru’s blogwhoring skills, and you’re probably thinking, “What’s your story, PiquantMolly? And how are you part of our fantastic infertilinet?”

Here’s my blog history, in bullet points:

• September 2004: while bored off my snot at work, I happen upon the website of the amazing Julia at Uncommon Misconception. Interesting. Had never thought much about infertility, being (at the time) a 25-year-old innocent. Linked from Julia to the other fantastic members of the Vagina Posse (remember the good ol’ days, readers?) and was hooked, for no reason I could really discern.

• December 2004: started sad little blog under the name Mollywogger (why? Because the name Mollywog had already been used on Blogger) with very little to say at first. Decided it was a fantastic idea to name my posts after musical theater lyrics. Clearly needed lobotomy. On December 5^th, got my first comment from the biggest of all comment whores, my darling Pru. Decided, with then husband, to start trying to conceive.

• February 2005: Posted first brief post-awards-show post: a tradition is born.

• May 2005: fed up with Blogger, moved the blog over to a fancy new platform that had a mojito-colored theme I liked.

• June 2005: after 8 unsuccessful cycles, try a few blood tests, just to give my Google medical degree the old college try. T3 2.55, prolaction 9.5. On with the trying.

• December 2005: officially infertile. One year blogiversary. First Confabulous at Alexa’s.

• March 2006: secure partial infertility coverage. Become briefly, glimmeringly pregnant, and unpregnant just as quickly.

• April 2006: semen analysis on husband produces results my RE later refers to as “superstar.”

• May 2006: Confabulous 2: The Drinkening held as Alexa’s mom’s house. Good food and great friends.

• June 2006: blood tests. FSH 6.8, estradiol 49. As normal as can be. HSG: uterus is, blatantly, not normal. Either septate or bicornuate, it seems.

• July 2006: MRI confirms bicornuate uterus. Shouldn’t be affecting my ability to get pregnant. Mystery continues. Start Clomid.

• September 2008: start work on Master’s degree.

• October 2006: 4th Clomid cycle. Shit lining in both uterine horns (5.0 and 5.8). Things not going as planned. Stop Clomid.

• February 2007: back to old blog to blog the Oscars. Then I simply . . . disappear.

• June 2007: we file for divorce. Infertility unrelated to said filing. Start password-protected blog on Typepad under new name, Piquant Molly.

• October 2007: Divorce final. Am dating wonderful new fella. Happy happy happy.

• March 2008: Am engaged to wonderful new fella. Still happy.

• May 2008: finish master’s degree.

• June 2008: am back in the public eye here on WordPress, primed and ready to rock your world.

So, that’s me. Now – need comments. Here’s your first assignment: what songs do you really, really like to dance to? Making wedding dance playlist (August 17^th!) and need to get my groove on. Suggestions?

*Does anyone else watch those going-underwater-in-a-cage-to-study-sharks documentaries and think, “Are you fucking kidding me?” How many mental illnesses do you need to have to think that that’s a good idea?